As I was running on the treadmill at the gym today I thought about updating my blog with some fleeting angst ridden thoughts. However, being that they were fleeting they have already fleeted and now I have no need to burden you with negativity, dear blog. Mostly I was just angry because for the first part of my workout someone was on my ~chosen one~ treadmill and I have to spend a few miles on an inferior. It's funny because the second he stepped off I stopped the substitute treadmill mid run and got right on the one that just feels.......right.
I actually wrote out another blog entry a few days before New Years, but didn't post it because I never finished it. It was the day before moving day and never wanted to look back on it after writing it. There wasn't much else to add..it was just an in depth review on the year 2010 which is a year I do NOT want to look back on anytime soon. I told myself enough time had gone by and I was desensitized to everything that happened, but who am I kidding. I'm desensitized to nothing. Maybe in a couple years I can look at it all objectively. Probably not though. Holy fuck what a bad year. September was when things started getting okay. I guess.
I'm in my new room and I'm looking at my marathon medals from 2008 and 2009 and I really want a third. I'm a bit disapointed I don't have one from 2010, because I want 50 before I die, but in 2010 I thought I was going to die most of the time, so that really wasn't much of a concern to me. This year I am definitely doing it, considering I already signed up for it. (Well not exactly--I've mentally signed up.) I've spent nearly an hour putting together a detailed workout schedule for the next 18 weeks (starting 1/24) and it works nicely with my school schedule. Oh the joys of not having a job. When I tell people I don't work, that look in their eyes...Well you know people's distaste for me isn't really my problem.
That kind of brings me to an up and coming outlook. Before when a stranger said some shitty thing to me I would be on the verge of tears all day thinking about how horrible they were to me. Someone could merely look at me cross-eyed and it would bring me down. Now I welcome it to use it as a test to myself to not let it bother me. In my 23.67 years of life I've learned something quite valuable--I'm not everyone's cup of tea. Actually for most people, I am not their cup of tea. And what's the worst thing that could happen if this is consistent in your life? The worst thing someone can do to you is not be your friend, as a direct result of you being yourself (such a cliche, I know.) Lately I've been embracing myself and you know what? Some people like it, most people don't. Either way, the less inhibitions you have-the better.
Being a 'love-me-as-I-am' type has its downfalls such as no one ever actually loving you. It's funny, someone lent me this book called "How to Make Anyone Fall in Love With You" and I couldn't get through it because of all this shit it was filled with. I mean, it's all probably true, but shit nonetheless. Sure you can make some vacant-eyed sucker "fall" for you in the superficial sense, but as soon as you get bored with living your life by their rules, your 'catch' will be like, "Who the fuck is this person? This is not the person who always smiles, cakes on makeup and laughs at my idiotic jokes that I fell for!! They've been possessed! They've been abducted by aliens! Crisis!!" Yeah basically it tells you to cover up who you really are with makeup and a false personality until they fall into your clever little trap and buy you an overvalued rock. I will say their advice on approaching people isn't half bad, but that'll just get you to bed someone. So easy and meaningless that I'd rather be celibate for the next 5 years than do something that wasn't challenging in the slightest.
I appreciate people who don't get overwhelmed/repulsed by endless amounts of praise and affection. I still think everyone likes it, at least secretly. When they stop getting it after people like me finally take the hint, they miss the attention. I'm telling you they do.
This was interesting to read.
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